Letting go is painful. It’s toxic. It’s like waxing the most delicate part of your body. It’s shite and it hurts. But it’s necessary if you want a new radiant you.
So necessary, in fact, that I’m going to make this post personal. This one’s about me. About my lessons of letting go. About my self-created hurt, my loss of power. Yeah, this is about me and X. And yet it’s not. It’s got everything to do with X, and yet it has nothing to do with X. It’s got everything to do with me. About my inability to let him go from within. My lack of power over myself.
But today is a new day. It’s a new girl wandering around her universe, noticing the beauty within. Only just realizing all over again that the minute she’s complete within, it doesn’t matter if she’s with or without. It only matters whether the inside is a whole or a broken part. And sure, a lot of us are amalgamations of various broken parts. But what if we took all those broken parts, collected them together, waved our magic wand and fused them to each other? Seamlessly, effortlessly, perfectly fused every single chipped and worn away bit within us, to create a magical new whole. We’d be complete, I’d be complete. I am complete. I am whole. The wand has been waved. The parts have all fused, the wheel’s turned full circle, and the soul is whole. The girl is complete.
X is gone. Sent away with so much unconditional, pure love. Far away. So he doesn’t chip off a chunk of the new. That emotion has been worn out and depleted. The well’s run dry and now that the draught is nearing its end, I’m just waiting for the next rainfall to fill up the well all the way to the brim.
It’s been hard, this journey of letting go. It’s even harder watching the person you love tell you how much they love someone else. Watching the man you love cry his eyes out for another woman is the toxic, ripping hair out of its roots from your bikini line for the first time, painful moment. But as soon as the strip’s been pulled off hard and fast, and a soothing gel applied to all the bumps and cuts that have come up as a result, you walk out the salon, straight to the beach, with the hottest bod, sexiest bikini and smoothest skin. And I’d bet my bottom dollar that a whole new pair of eyes, or multiple pairs of eyes, glance lingeringly at you. They may notice the cuts on your skin, they may notice how it’s still slightly red and raw, but they will also notice how perfect and unblemished it is. They’d see the courage it took to rip off the unwanted, to be bare, raw and exposed, with your head held high, and courage written over every pore of your perfect new skin.
Yes, letting someone go hurts more than you thought you were capable of hurting. But the newness that emerges from accepting, forgiving, forgetting and moving on, is stark… beautiful. The woman who emerges strong, silent and smiling from a long dark tunnel, is the most powerful one of all.
This post is mine. That woman is me. Nearing the end of that tunnel, able to see the light at the end, refusing myself permission to turn around, look behind, say a last goodbye, or run back to the start. This woman has walked the path of the dark and lonely. She’s spent many a night lost in the endless darkness, stumbling over the bumps and curves in the tunnel. And now she sees the end. She sees a way out. She believes in today. She’s assured of tomorrow. She’s confident, so confident that it will bring her exactly what she wants it to bring her. My tomorrow may attract a new, recreate an old, or invent the unheard. But it will come, my tomorrow. I just have to live through today first. Enjoy today. Accept the moment. Live in the now. Every perfect now will eventually add up, a string of divine perfection, creating eternal bliss, a permanent state of joy in my heart. And for that, cords had to be cut. Energies had to shift. The man had to go. The girl had to be alone.
Goodbye X. Be happy, be pure, go out there and find your love, find yourself. Create your new day. I wish you the best.
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Welcome back Muby
Can’t believe an entire week has passed since I last wrote. What kept me away for so long? I know I procrastinated and made excuses. But obviously that was a cover-up for something much more. Something which I didn’t have the courage to say earlier, but I should now. I should because unless I let it go from my system, it will remain within and fester.
So here’s my confession. I got so caught up in the here and now, so involved on the outside, that I neglected the inside. I wasn’t listening to that little voice going “oh oh! Don’t go there”.
I allowed myself to be surrounded by negativity and cribbing. I allowed the words to hit my ears and sink into me. I’d end up carrying other people’s negativity on my shoulders, until it became a dark cloud over my head. I stopped focusing on love first thing every morning and last thing every night. I stopped sending my angels to those in need. I stopped feeling from within, and I ended up without.
Until last night, when I decided to be selfish. I made a conscious decision to step away from the whining and complaining and cribbing and crying. I sat at home and entered my own head. I closed my eyes and felt roots connect my body to the sand beneath me. I heard little Snickers playing with his chewie by my side. It was a sound that gave me immense comfort. I allowed the summer breeze to carress my face, the smell of the trees with their sleeping flowers to gleefully invade my senses. I pictured me hunch-backed, dragging the weight of others over my shoulder like a sack full of dead rocks. I saw how miserable I looked doing that. I felt how unhappy I was because every nerve in my being was focusing on the unpleasant duty of carrying those rocks. I stood up, put the bag down, said a silent goodbye and walked away. As I walked away I grew taller and lighter. My face started glowing. I could feel all the thoughts emanating from my middle. I felt love. I felt courage. I felt peace. I felt calm. I felt life. Eternal and majestic in all it’s raw beauty. Giving thanks for such a miracle didn’t seem enough. I looked up at my universe and laughed. I laughed and laughed until I laughed that bag of rocks away. And as I laughed, the trees grew around me, the butterflies came back, the bird chirped, Sneaks ran around in crazy little circles. All felt right. I was connected. I was grounded. I flew up high, while my roots swirled and twirled to their own beats on the earth.
In that moment another Muby turned up. She was me, but she wasn’t me. She’s been around so much longer, her soul so much older. She reminded me never to allow people to force their cloak of negativity over my shoulders. She told me not to underestimate my energy. Not to tarnish my aura, not to fall into the trap of nothingness. She reminded me that a smile begets another smile, joy, attracts joy, goodness makes the way for even more goodness, and all people come with their own karma. She spoke the infinitely wise words of Wayne Dyer, “How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours.”
And I have to admit I had all too easily fallen into the rut of following their doctrine of unhappiness. I barely spoke to my universe all week. My mood ring stopped showing spiritual growth. I was stunted, and I allowed it to happen.
But the girl from last night took it all away. She helped me reconnect to me. She realigned my path with the universe. She gave me my powers back. Just like others pulled out a little vial of negative energy and splashed it around my aura, she took out a vial of positivity and doused me in it from head to toe. It felt like an awakening. I’m overjoyed to have found my heart again. I feel like me, I feel lighter, I feel stronger, I feel calmer, I feel happier. I am alive. I am at peace. With each breath, I radiate that peace, with each word, I spread the love. That’s my way of being.
As I said last week, each of us needs to be. In their own unique way. This is mine.
So here’s my confession. I got so caught up in the here and now, so involved on the outside, that I neglected the inside. I wasn’t listening to that little voice going “oh oh! Don’t go there”.
I allowed myself to be surrounded by negativity and cribbing. I allowed the words to hit my ears and sink into me. I’d end up carrying other people’s negativity on my shoulders, until it became a dark cloud over my head. I stopped focusing on love first thing every morning and last thing every night. I stopped sending my angels to those in need. I stopped feeling from within, and I ended up without.
Until last night, when I decided to be selfish. I made a conscious decision to step away from the whining and complaining and cribbing and crying. I sat at home and entered my own head. I closed my eyes and felt roots connect my body to the sand beneath me. I heard little Snickers playing with his chewie by my side. It was a sound that gave me immense comfort. I allowed the summer breeze to carress my face, the smell of the trees with their sleeping flowers to gleefully invade my senses. I pictured me hunch-backed, dragging the weight of others over my shoulder like a sack full of dead rocks. I saw how miserable I looked doing that. I felt how unhappy I was because every nerve in my being was focusing on the unpleasant duty of carrying those rocks. I stood up, put the bag down, said a silent goodbye and walked away. As I walked away I grew taller and lighter. My face started glowing. I could feel all the thoughts emanating from my middle. I felt love. I felt courage. I felt peace. I felt calm. I felt life. Eternal and majestic in all it’s raw beauty. Giving thanks for such a miracle didn’t seem enough. I looked up at my universe and laughed. I laughed and laughed until I laughed that bag of rocks away. And as I laughed, the trees grew around me, the butterflies came back, the bird chirped, Sneaks ran around in crazy little circles. All felt right. I was connected. I was grounded. I flew up high, while my roots swirled and twirled to their own beats on the earth.
In that moment another Muby turned up. She was me, but she wasn’t me. She’s been around so much longer, her soul so much older. She reminded me never to allow people to force their cloak of negativity over my shoulders. She told me not to underestimate my energy. Not to tarnish my aura, not to fall into the trap of nothingness. She reminded me that a smile begets another smile, joy, attracts joy, goodness makes the way for even more goodness, and all people come with their own karma. She spoke the infinitely wise words of Wayne Dyer, “How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours.”
And I have to admit I had all too easily fallen into the rut of following their doctrine of unhappiness. I barely spoke to my universe all week. My mood ring stopped showing spiritual growth. I was stunted, and I allowed it to happen.
But the girl from last night took it all away. She helped me reconnect to me. She realigned my path with the universe. She gave me my powers back. Just like others pulled out a little vial of negative energy and splashed it around my aura, she took out a vial of positivity and doused me in it from head to toe. It felt like an awakening. I’m overjoyed to have found my heart again. I feel like me, I feel lighter, I feel stronger, I feel calmer, I feel happier. I am alive. I am at peace. With each breath, I radiate that peace, with each word, I spread the love. That’s my way of being.
As I said last week, each of us needs to be. In their own unique way. This is mine.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Another world
Imagine a room, a dark room, where the only light comes from the tip of a burning incense stick. Imagine that room soaked in the aroma of the incense. It’s a room filled with peace and light. There’s a strong feeling of love passed on from one body to another. It’s a room where the souls are hovering above their bodies, playing, dancing and teasing with their angels, with each other’s angels, seeing angels as far as the eye can see. The bodies that house those souls lie motionless on the padded floor. Some cry, others sleep, a few smile. No one moves, saves the souls who continue their dance with the angels. Outside the full moon shines pure and bright.
I lie there watching myself lie there. Soon I leave me behind and I’m off on a magical journey to a land far away, so far that time and space cease to exist, making it the nearest possible place I could be in at that moment. I’m on my own. I float, I fly, I cleanse, I heal. Yet I feel the others there. I feel connected by an invisible bond that my subconscious has acknowledged. I am asked to let go. I try. I really do. It’s not happening. And then in massive gobs and spurts, it comes gushing out of me. I watch myself letting go as though it’s a physical process. I sense that somewhere in another place, others are doing the same. I feel far away yet connected to the now. I feel the room get lighter. I see the hurt flying away. I feel a burst of light going through my body. I see that light, I allow it to go through me, through every single part of me. I welcome it for it takes away the weight. The smiling faces around me start glowing. Their wings encircle me in a ring of protection. They lift me up until I’m flying with them. I feel tiny, I feel big, I’m a giant, I’m a little girl, I’m a woman, I’m a child… This me keeps morphing, going to different versions of me that were holding on to different elements. Each version of me had something to let go. I never allowed those me’s that privilege before. Now I wonder why I ever denied it.
I open my eyes and the peace and calm of the room reassures me. It’s the perfect landing after my journey though space. A journey on which I lost a lot of my baggage and returned feeling lighter than before. A little tree of confidence was planted in my spine. It’s still young, but grow it will. And its fruits will be among the sweetest. I know this. I saw this. I believe this.
I lie there watching myself lie there. Soon I leave me behind and I’m off on a magical journey to a land far away, so far that time and space cease to exist, making it the nearest possible place I could be in at that moment. I’m on my own. I float, I fly, I cleanse, I heal. Yet I feel the others there. I feel connected by an invisible bond that my subconscious has acknowledged. I am asked to let go. I try. I really do. It’s not happening. And then in massive gobs and spurts, it comes gushing out of me. I watch myself letting go as though it’s a physical process. I sense that somewhere in another place, others are doing the same. I feel far away yet connected to the now. I feel the room get lighter. I see the hurt flying away. I feel a burst of light going through my body. I see that light, I allow it to go through me, through every single part of me. I welcome it for it takes away the weight. The smiling faces around me start glowing. Their wings encircle me in a ring of protection. They lift me up until I’m flying with them. I feel tiny, I feel big, I’m a giant, I’m a little girl, I’m a woman, I’m a child… This me keeps morphing, going to different versions of me that were holding on to different elements. Each version of me had something to let go. I never allowed those me’s that privilege before. Now I wonder why I ever denied it.
I open my eyes and the peace and calm of the room reassures me. It’s the perfect landing after my journey though space. A journey on which I lost a lot of my baggage and returned feeling lighter than before. A little tree of confidence was planted in my spine. It’s still young, but grow it will. And its fruits will be among the sweetest. I know this. I saw this. I believe this.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Destiny, Dreams & Drama
Do you believe that some things in life are not meant to be? I did, then I didn’t, then I did, then I didn’t again, and now I just don’t know any more.
I used to think I could control destiny. That we were allies. But she let me down so often she almost turned into the opposition. And every time we’d wave the white flag, the next battle would crop up and again she’d outdo me. Sometimes I’d win, but mostly she would. Today, she’s just confused me. I don’t know whether she’s on my side any longer or not. On the one hand, she introduced me to The Universe and we became fast friends. He’s my shoulder to lean on any time of any day. On the other hand, she often fought unfairly, taking away the very presents she once bestowed on me so lavishly. Now she gives me occassional glimpses of those presents, teasing, taunting almost, of what once was, what could have been, what never might again. And her games have just confused me to the point that I don’t even know if she’s doing this to hurt me, or to make me stronger. I think it’s the latter, but every now and then, this tiny nagging little doubt crops up in my head. What if I’m being played? What if this? What if that? Too many what ifs and not enough answers. And then my friend The Universe steps in and reassures me that this is what I wanted all along, long before I even stepped foot in this body. He reassures me for a while, until confusion tries rearing its head. And therefore this entry.
It’s this meeting with tonight’s full moon that I’ve been planning for a few weeks now. Been really excited about it, to the point of attracting 6 other people to this union, and now destiny might just change her mind about it. I’m not cribbing. Maybe the moment isn’t right. It’s a night of letting go, and maybe I’m not ready to let go yet. Maybe I’m not ready to let my past go, and that’s the only letting go I have to do. I know it will happen when I’m ready. I think I’m ready. I’d like to be ready. But what if I’m not? What if none of us are ever ready for the very thing our conscious mind is holding on to for dear life? The thing that we believe our heart and soul is addicted to. Our lifeline of sorts. Can one every be ready to throw away the lifeline and take a chance on life instead? That’s my million-star question. Do I have the courage? Should I have the courage? Is this one of those action moments, or one where I should drift with the tide? But wouldn’t that make me deadwood?
Does everyone have this many questions? It reminds me of a note The Universe wrote me last month. He said:
Muby, in life there will always be challenges that have manifested, and dreams that haven't. But they'll always pale in comparison to the number of dreams that have manifested, and challenges that haven't.Just look around you.
You are my dream come true,
The Universe
And there I go, getting my wings back, knowing nothing can let me down or disappoint me, except my inability to understand that I already have it all, all the answers are within me, and I can manipulate the outcome to whatever I want it to be. It’s that mind-numbingly simple. It honestly is. So simple that most of us don’t believe it can be true if it’s that easy. But it is easy, and we are powerful and we can do just about anything we want, have whatever we’d like, be whoever we want to be. The key lies in first visualizing it, then accepting it, acting upon it, and finally forgetting the hows and whys of how this massive miracle came to be. Fact is, it did come to be. And all because you created the notion to manifest it into reality. Mike’s not lying when says thoughts become things. Listen to the man. He knows what he’s talking about. But more than him, listen to you. Listen to your head and your heart. They won’t lie to you. Obey your gut instinct. It comes from your middle. From your very core. And your core is the real you. You won’t lie to you now, will you?
I used to think I could control destiny. That we were allies. But she let me down so often she almost turned into the opposition. And every time we’d wave the white flag, the next battle would crop up and again she’d outdo me. Sometimes I’d win, but mostly she would. Today, she’s just confused me. I don’t know whether she’s on my side any longer or not. On the one hand, she introduced me to The Universe and we became fast friends. He’s my shoulder to lean on any time of any day. On the other hand, she often fought unfairly, taking away the very presents she once bestowed on me so lavishly. Now she gives me occassional glimpses of those presents, teasing, taunting almost, of what once was, what could have been, what never might again. And her games have just confused me to the point that I don’t even know if she’s doing this to hurt me, or to make me stronger. I think it’s the latter, but every now and then, this tiny nagging little doubt crops up in my head. What if I’m being played? What if this? What if that? Too many what ifs and not enough answers. And then my friend The Universe steps in and reassures me that this is what I wanted all along, long before I even stepped foot in this body. He reassures me for a while, until confusion tries rearing its head. And therefore this entry.
It’s this meeting with tonight’s full moon that I’ve been planning for a few weeks now. Been really excited about it, to the point of attracting 6 other people to this union, and now destiny might just change her mind about it. I’m not cribbing. Maybe the moment isn’t right. It’s a night of letting go, and maybe I’m not ready to let go yet. Maybe I’m not ready to let my past go, and that’s the only letting go I have to do. I know it will happen when I’m ready. I think I’m ready. I’d like to be ready. But what if I’m not? What if none of us are ever ready for the very thing our conscious mind is holding on to for dear life? The thing that we believe our heart and soul is addicted to. Our lifeline of sorts. Can one every be ready to throw away the lifeline and take a chance on life instead? That’s my million-star question. Do I have the courage? Should I have the courage? Is this one of those action moments, or one where I should drift with the tide? But wouldn’t that make me deadwood?
Does everyone have this many questions? It reminds me of a note The Universe wrote me last month. He said:
Muby, in life there will always be challenges that have manifested, and dreams that haven't. But they'll always pale in comparison to the number of dreams that have manifested, and challenges that haven't.Just look around you.
You are my dream come true,
The Universe
And there I go, getting my wings back, knowing nothing can let me down or disappoint me, except my inability to understand that I already have it all, all the answers are within me, and I can manipulate the outcome to whatever I want it to be. It’s that mind-numbingly simple. It honestly is. So simple that most of us don’t believe it can be true if it’s that easy. But it is easy, and we are powerful and we can do just about anything we want, have whatever we’d like, be whoever we want to be. The key lies in first visualizing it, then accepting it, acting upon it, and finally forgetting the hows and whys of how this massive miracle came to be. Fact is, it did come to be. And all because you created the notion to manifest it into reality. Mike’s not lying when says thoughts become things. Listen to the man. He knows what he’s talking about. But more than him, listen to you. Listen to your head and your heart. They won’t lie to you. Obey your gut instinct. It comes from your middle. From your very core. And your core is the real you. You won’t lie to you now, will you?
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